Hitting in

My mental illness is hitting me hard today, I guess it's been hitting pretty hard for days/weeks.

I've talked to everyone I can trust and I'm sure there sick of hearing me go on about the same damn thing. But this is all still effecting me.

I'm regretting my mothering skills with my little one and thinking I wasn't ready, it wasn't like I planned on let's get pregnant and never get to live out some of our adult hood pre-children.

Can it be my fault

If it wasn't me and my family my baby wouldn't have gone threw this. I really hope this was the only incident.

It happened to my mom it's happened to me, and now my baby girl. How and why does it keep happening. She only 3 and she was possibly 2 at that time.

If I wasn't her mom, if she never was apart my family she might have never gone threw this. What kind of sick people do these things. I would never even after I have been sexually abused.

How could my own brother do this to my daughter his niece. He had the same thing done to him and he knows the pain, so how could he do it to someone so defenseless. She adored him. And he probably thinks he got away with it.

My other question is did she act up, did she try and tell me by crying or telling me she didn't want to go to grandma's and because that was my only option for a baby sitter she had tl. And she had to keep living that nightmare over and over, everytime. And I had no idea...

Old beggings

So much to say so little strength. Well I'm at a loss for everything two serious events are happening in my life. Two events that I feel primarily my fault.

1st but not cause it's more important, but cause I can't see how this happened.
     So let's start less then a month ago. My friend b moved out, I was relieved. But after she moved out my husband had said that our marriage is on the rocks. I guess I'm just a nieve person or don't think stuff like this is going to happen.
      But today my husband made the final decision to leave for a week and see if we can work things out. The past week our relationship went down hill rapidly. I feel like it's sand threw my fingers. And I feel like he wants nothing to do with me.
    Well cause I'm to fucking blind to see, but our marriage is holding on by a thread. Not yarn, sewing thread.
   How did we get here again, he resents me. I'm not to fond of him right now either, but I can't give up. Especially when he is all I got. Our little family is all I have left, in this while fucking world in all of my family they are all I got. I guess my efforts weren't enough  for us or our family.  I don't know how I keep falling into this. But it hurts so bad!
    I ain't got no where to turn if he leaves and I'm left trying to provide for myself he'll take the child and I will lose it.
    

Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno. 

      

Back to a norm.

Well ive been back with my husband sense April, its been a trial getting our relationship back to a healthy one. We had a few issues at first, mainly to do with our ex's. Let me expand on that thought. So first off we both ovibously had feelings for them. I for him and he for her. Its been a struggle for the both of us trying to move past those feelings for the others.

I still have a some left over feelings for him, he was there while my husband tore me down. He was my friend, and that's all he should have ever been! We weren't ment to be together, only as friends. I think I miss the way it felt being freer? Like with my child going every other weekend to her dads. That gave us time to live like we had no kids. But it wasn't good. 

Few months after me and my husband got back together he made contact to his ex. I slightly freaked but that was due to the nature of The conversation. He said he missed her and they talked back and fourth. She admittedly said that them talking was like cheating on me but she wouldn't tell. He hid it from me as he was working out of town staying at his parents I went up for the night to see him and I found her email and that is why I freaked. 

I've never made contact with my ex aaa badly as I wanted to and still do..at least say I'm sorry. Even tho it wouldn't matter. I dunno why. It's definitely been real tiraling. But we're getting threw it! One day at a time. Things are looking bright. 

Can it be real

As today I sit at the park with my daughter. I think what am I so afraid of. Why do I have so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. Why do I feel like this. All this running threw my head and I finally came to the conclusion. 

I'm afraid, I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my daughter by myself I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay all the bills by myself. I'm independent but so afraid of failure so afraid of losing everything again. 

I have a good paying job, but what if something happens. What if an unexspected bill comes. Or I get sick. 

So much to be scared of. 

I'm not the only one!!

It's great to know that my husband misses me. He informed me tonight as we were exchanging our child. It eases my mind knowing that he misses me, that maybe he does remember the good times even tho it was rough at the end. 

Doesn't mean we're getting back together but it's not out of the question. I had a goal of getting divorce papers printed off by the end of April, but this does change my perspective. 

I can't help but to feel like he said it just to see what I would say, to see how I would react. 

Only will I find out what the future holds as it comes closer. For now I'm gonna be satisfied with it and not hope for anything more.....I don't need the disappointment. 

What if?