Feeling of stuck

I have felt stuck for months now. I feel like my relationship is stuck i feel like i cant move forward in life. And i have the same recurring thought  maybe it just wasn't to happen. maybe you ere suppose to get that job maybe you weren't suppose to get that promotion maybe your were meant to have a small life maybe your not suppose to have any more kids. maybe your suppose to struggle and never get ahead in life. But why? Why cant i get a new job, why cant i have a big family, why cant i get pregnant, why do i have to feel so alone.

I cant complain about my life, but i want something more. and i don't see me ever getting to a point i can move forward. I am in the exact same place as i was last year. Same bull shit with my relationship, same shitty apartment, same job, same weight, still no friends or family. It puts the thought in my head that, " Oh you know what maybe I'm suppose to die cause there is no other reason why i would be stuck"

I want to feel like I'm actually doing something and i feel like any thing i try and do or get excited about gets thrown in  my face that i will never be good enough, "will maybe its not for you..." What the fuck is for me. I've tried to go down two different career paths, one i couldn't pass the last part of the Kaplin for nursing, and then i also thought about doing real estate and my spouse turned that down. then i thought alright i could defiantly try plumbing and i applied for a apprenticeship and i basically got turned down with that. So what i have to do now is try and find away to make me a better candidate for the apprenticeship but the people i know that does plumbing wont help me gain any experience or knowledge. I cant find any community classes for plumbing.

I cant move out of my apartment cause i barely make enough to live there. I'm stuck at my job cause there is no advancement opportunists here cause you have to be a RN. to do anything more then i do now. and i fought with the company for a over a year to get a raise, yes i finally got one $.50 but i cant do anything with that...

i want more kids, either giving birth to them or I've always wanted to adopt. I got all setup to do foster care took all the classes back ground check home study. And the day they call to come out before a placement something tragic happened and now I'm having to move 60+ miles across the state to take care of my family.

i cant get out of debt cause i barely make enough to cover bills. And just to make sure things clear, i don't have TV i don't have Internet, nor do i have a streaming service. The most luxurious thing i have is a cell phone plan that costs way to much for nothing i pay $200 for my phone plan with 4 GB of data and no i don't have the most recent phone either.

I feel like i keep getting  beat down, i stand up and then I'm stomped into the ground again. I'm tired of fighting to barely make it. I want so much more for me for my child and for my family. Its not even material things i want to explore the world with my daughter i want to give her experiences and i want her to be well educated and learn music and she wants to learn distance and neither of those thing are going to happen. If I'm not moving forward my daughters life isn't as well and that's not fair to her.

No wonder

It's no wonder people commit suicide.

I feel so lost and hurt so much. And I know my husband isn't truly happy and he would be so much more happier if I hadn't ever came back into his life....like yea he wouldn't of had tot but he also wouldn't of know cause it would of never happened.
It's not his fault that he's not happy, and maybe he hasn't noticed it completely yet, but he will notice.

And for my baby she shouldn't have to be in fear of saying anything to her parents, especially her mom. But she is she has now been programed that way.

The only reason why I'm probably not is cause of her. Like yea she might be better off with out me but what if she's not. What if she needs me in her teen years... will she even be able to come to. She already afraid to tell me stuff.... she 3.

I'm tired so tired of fighting threw life I'm only 22 and struggling so hard. I fight myself constantly on everything. My mind is sick, and I ain't got the time or funds to even begain therapy....will it even help?

I feel so alone, so useless so broken and I hurt so bad. I'm just getting to the point where I don't see the meaning anymore. I'm tired of being miserable, I want to be positive I want to least have a few good friends... I want to feel like I'm not just wasting my life or anyone else's..........

Please don't take this for a call for help this is just the only place I get things out and not have someone report it or make a huge deal...

Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno. 

      

Can it be real

As today I sit at the park with my daughter. I think what am I so afraid of. Why do I have so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. Why do I feel like this. All this running threw my head and I finally came to the conclusion. 

I'm afraid, I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my daughter by myself I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay all the bills by myself. I'm independent but so afraid of failure so afraid of losing everything again. 

I have a good paying job, but what if something happens. What if an unexspected bill comes. Or I get sick. 

So much to be scared of. 

Better tomorrow for you

I sit here I can't enjoy any music other than dub step. If I do just one song can turn my thoughts to negitive. I'm filled with regret sawrow, loneliness, hurt, and pain. When does the pain go away officially! When I get into these moods sometimes all I want to do is drink. 

I want to feel okay and at peace with this. My mind keeps racing back to my daughter how I wanted her to have mom and dad in the same house, I didn't want her to grow up like me. I wanted a better life, and future for her. 

I go back to when we found out and when we thought about abortion and adoption. I feel as if like what we had chosen adoption she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce with her parents, she wouldn't have night terrors and cry out for me. It kills me every time she does. 

I have to print off divorce papers and I've neglected to cause I can't admit to my failure. And I kinda feel like there still a chance even when I know there's not. Truthfully I'm probably in denial. 

Take it back

It seems that everything I do, I think of him in some certain light. Like I bought a car and thought well if he sees that I'm doing well enough he will want to get back together. 

I also then thought well if I lose all this weight get back into shape then maybe he will want me. 

But then I realized that is not what it is about.  

Yet for some reason all I want is him to call me one day and say baby come back. All I think is that he needs to come home and be with his family again, then my mind wonders to why hasn't anyone said anything to him from his family. They all should be against him getting a divorce and dating/fucking someone else while he is married wither or not separated. I think of all these things he's doing that I think he shouldn't be doing, yet I'm doing the same thing.... Sigh to get out of my head and escape and figure everything out. 

I just want to know what he is think I want him to be truthful for once and tell me exactly what he wants. What he wants from me, where we stand. 

I miss him I miss who he was when our daughter was first born looking at those pictures makes me sad to see how we both went to being so close to being so far that now we can't even have a conversation. The man I gave my life to, my everything I had to offer and now I can't even get more then a few sentences out of him. I just want to talk to him!!

Divorce papers have been ready to print for months, I have yet gotten the courage to print them off cause I know once I do, he will sign them with out any hesitation. I feel like once I've done that I will lose the last thing that keeps us some what together. I know I need to, but it hurts to even think it's going to be all over. 

I want everything to go back to the way it was before this mess happened, back to when we were in love, and so egger to change our new borns diaper!