Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno. 

      

Can it be real

As today I sit at the park with my daughter. I think what am I so afraid of. Why do I have so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. Why do I feel like this. All this running threw my head and I finally came to the conclusion. 

I'm afraid, I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my daughter by myself I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay all the bills by myself. I'm independent but so afraid of failure so afraid of losing everything again. 

I have a good paying job, but what if something happens. What if an unexspected bill comes. Or I get sick. 

So much to be scared of. 

Better tomorrow for you

I sit here I can't enjoy any music other than dub step. If I do just one song can turn my thoughts to negitive. I'm filled with regret sawrow, loneliness, hurt, and pain. When does the pain go away officially! When I get into these moods sometimes all I want to do is drink. 

I want to feel okay and at peace with this. My mind keeps racing back to my daughter how I wanted her to have mom and dad in the same house, I didn't want her to grow up like me. I wanted a better life, and future for her. 

I go back to when we found out and when we thought about abortion and adoption. I feel as if like what we had chosen adoption she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce with her parents, she wouldn't have night terrors and cry out for me. It kills me every time she does. 

I have to print off divorce papers and I've neglected to cause I can't admit to my failure. And I kinda feel like there still a chance even when I know there's not. Truthfully I'm probably in denial.