Can it be real

As today I sit at the park with my daughter. I think what am I so afraid of. Why do I have so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. Why do I feel like this. All this running threw my head and I finally came to the conclusion. 

I'm afraid, I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my daughter by myself I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay all the bills by myself. I'm independent but so afraid of failure so afraid of losing everything again. 

I have a good paying job, but what if something happens. What if an unexspected bill comes. Or I get sick. 

So much to be scared of. 

Better tomorrow for you

I sit here I can't enjoy any music other than dub step. If I do just one song can turn my thoughts to negitive. I'm filled with regret sawrow, loneliness, hurt, and pain. When does the pain go away officially! When I get into these moods sometimes all I want to do is drink. 

I want to feel okay and at peace with this. My mind keeps racing back to my daughter how I wanted her to have mom and dad in the same house, I didn't want her to grow up like me. I wanted a better life, and future for her. 

I go back to when we found out and when we thought about abortion and adoption. I feel as if like what we had chosen adoption she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce with her parents, she wouldn't have night terrors and cry out for me. It kills me every time she does. 

I have to print off divorce papers and I've neglected to cause I can't admit to my failure. And I kinda feel like there still a chance even when I know there's not. Truthfully I'm probably in denial.