Feeling of stuck

I have felt stuck for months now. I feel like my relationship is stuck i feel like i cant move forward in life. And i have the same recurring thought  maybe it just wasn't to happen. maybe you ere suppose to get that job maybe you weren't suppose to get that promotion maybe your were meant to have a small life maybe your not suppose to have any more kids. maybe your suppose to struggle and never get ahead in life. But why? Why cant i get a new job, why cant i have a big family, why cant i get pregnant, why do i have to feel so alone.

I cant complain about my life, but i want something more. and i don't see me ever getting to a point i can move forward. I am in the exact same place as i was last year. Same bull shit with my relationship, same shitty apartment, same job, same weight, still no friends or family. It puts the thought in my head that, " Oh you know what maybe I'm suppose to die cause there is no other reason why i would be stuck"

I want to feel like I'm actually doing something and i feel like any thing i try and do or get excited about gets thrown in  my face that i will never be good enough, "will maybe its not for you..." What the fuck is for me. I've tried to go down two different career paths, one i couldn't pass the last part of the Kaplin for nursing, and then i also thought about doing real estate and my spouse turned that down. then i thought alright i could defiantly try plumbing and i applied for a apprenticeship and i basically got turned down with that. So what i have to do now is try and find away to make me a better candidate for the apprenticeship but the people i know that does plumbing wont help me gain any experience or knowledge. I cant find any community classes for plumbing.

I cant move out of my apartment cause i barely make enough to live there. I'm stuck at my job cause there is no advancement opportunists here cause you have to be a RN. to do anything more then i do now. and i fought with the company for a over a year to get a raise, yes i finally got one $.50 but i cant do anything with that...

i want more kids, either giving birth to them or I've always wanted to adopt. I got all setup to do foster care took all the classes back ground check home study. And the day they call to come out before a placement something tragic happened and now I'm having to move 60+ miles across the state to take care of my family.

i cant get out of debt cause i barely make enough to cover bills. And just to make sure things clear, i don't have TV i don't have Internet, nor do i have a streaming service. The most luxurious thing i have is a cell phone plan that costs way to much for nothing i pay $200 for my phone plan with 4 GB of data and no i don't have the most recent phone either.

I feel like i keep getting  beat down, i stand up and then I'm stomped into the ground again. I'm tired of fighting to barely make it. I want so much more for me for my child and for my family. Its not even material things i want to explore the world with my daughter i want to give her experiences and i want her to be well educated and learn music and she wants to learn distance and neither of those thing are going to happen. If I'm not moving forward my daughters life isn't as well and that's not fair to her.

Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno. 

      

False hope

Moving forward, and yet I feel like I'm still stuck to chapter behind. 

I move in with my boyfriend, we get along for the most part. Other then his insecurities. 

But me and my ex are currently on good terms? We had a good blow up over text and now it's better and we had a good conversation about our daughter. 

This happens every time, every time we get along my mind always goes back to me and him getting back together and that we could work it out. 

Ugh I don't know why I do this to myself every time. I want to let go but my mind/heart won't let me. 

The pain is finally subsided for now. I'm sure it will come up as soon as court starts, or counseling starts! 

I've come to realize that I don't see me marrying my boyfriend, I don't see marriage at all in my future. I also can't see myself having children with him. Just due to the way he treats my daughter. He claims to treat her like his own, yet I know for a fact he doesn't and as soon as we would have a kid he would brush my daughter to the side. 

So where do I go from here. What do I do? What do I say?