No wonder

It's no wonder people commit suicide.

I feel so lost and hurt so much. And I know my husband isn't truly happy and he would be so much more happier if I hadn't ever came back into his life....like yea he wouldn't of had tot but he also wouldn't of know cause it would of never happened.
It's not his fault that he's not happy, and maybe he hasn't noticed it completely yet, but he will notice.

And for my baby she shouldn't have to be in fear of saying anything to her parents, especially her mom. But she is she has now been programed that way.

The only reason why I'm probably not is cause of her. Like yea she might be better off with out me but what if she's not. What if she needs me in her teen years... will she even be able to come to. She already afraid to tell me stuff.... she 3.

I'm tired so tired of fighting threw life I'm only 22 and struggling so hard. I fight myself constantly on everything. My mind is sick, and I ain't got the time or funds to even begain therapy....will it even help?

I feel so alone, so useless so broken and I hurt so bad. I'm just getting to the point where I don't see the meaning anymore. I'm tired of being miserable, I want to be positive I want to least have a few good friends... I want to feel like I'm not just wasting my life or anyone else's..........

Please don't take this for a call for help this is just the only place I get things out and not have someone report it or make a huge deal...

Hitting in

My mental illness is hitting me hard today, I guess it's been hitting pretty hard for days/weeks.

I've talked to everyone I can trust and I'm sure there sick of hearing me go on about the same damn thing. But this is all still effecting me.

I'm regretting my mothering skills with my little one and thinking I wasn't ready, it wasn't like I planned on let's get pregnant and never get to live out some of our adult hood pre-children.

Can it be my fault

If it wasn't me and my family my baby wouldn't have gone threw this. I really hope this was the only incident.

It happened to my mom it's happened to me, and now my baby girl. How and why does it keep happening. She only 3 and she was possibly 2 at that time.

If I wasn't her mom, if she never was apart my family she might have never gone threw this. What kind of sick people do these things. I would never even after I have been sexually abused.

How could my own brother do this to my daughter his niece. He had the same thing done to him and he knows the pain, so how could he do it to someone so defenseless. She adored him. And he probably thinks he got away with it.

My other question is did she act up, did she try and tell me by crying or telling me she didn't want to go to grandma's and because that was my only option for a baby sitter she had tl. And she had to keep living that nightmare over and over, everytime. And I had no idea...

Old beggings

So much to say so little strength. Well I'm at a loss for everything two serious events are happening in my life. Two events that I feel primarily my fault.

1st but not cause it's more important, but cause I can't see how this happened.
     So let's start less then a month ago. My friend b moved out, I was relieved. But after she moved out my husband had said that our marriage is on the rocks. I guess I'm just a nieve person or don't think stuff like this is going to happen.
      But today my husband made the final decision to leave for a week and see if we can work things out. The past week our relationship went down hill rapidly. I feel like it's sand threw my fingers. And I feel like he wants nothing to do with me.
    Well cause I'm to fucking blind to see, but our marriage is holding on by a thread. Not yarn, sewing thread.
   How did we get here again, he resents me. I'm not to fond of him right now either, but I can't give up. Especially when he is all I got. Our little family is all I have left, in this while fucking world in all of my family they are all I got. I guess my efforts weren't enough  for us or our family.  I don't know how I keep falling into this. But it hurts so bad!
    I ain't got no where to turn if he leaves and I'm left trying to provide for myself he'll take the child and I will lose it.
    

Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno. 

      

Back to a norm.

Well ive been back with my husband sense April, its been a trial getting our relationship back to a healthy one. We had a few issues at first, mainly to do with our ex's. Let me expand on that thought. So first off we both ovibously had feelings for them. I for him and he for her. Its been a struggle for the both of us trying to move past those feelings for the others.

I still have a some left over feelings for him, he was there while my husband tore me down. He was my friend, and that's all he should have ever been! We weren't ment to be together, only as friends. I think I miss the way it felt being freer? Like with my child going every other weekend to her dads. That gave us time to live like we had no kids. But it wasn't good. 

Few months after me and my husband got back together he made contact to his ex. I slightly freaked but that was due to the nature of The conversation. He said he missed her and they talked back and fourth. She admittedly said that them talking was like cheating on me but she wouldn't tell. He hid it from me as he was working out of town staying at his parents I went up for the night to see him and I found her email and that is why I freaked. 

I've never made contact with my ex aaa badly as I wanted to and still do..at least say I'm sorry. Even tho it wouldn't matter. I dunno why. It's definitely been real tiraling. But we're getting threw it! One day at a time. Things are looking bright.