Can it be real

As today I sit at the park with my daughter. I think what am I so afraid of. Why do I have so much anxiety about leaving my boyfriend. Why do I feel like this. All this running threw my head and I finally came to the conclusion. 

I'm afraid, I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my daughter by myself I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay all the bills by myself. I'm independent but so afraid of failure so afraid of losing everything again. 

I have a good paying job, but what if something happens. What if an unexspected bill comes. Or I get sick. 

So much to be scared of. 

I'm not the only one!!

It's great to know that my husband misses me. He informed me tonight as we were exchanging our child. It eases my mind knowing that he misses me, that maybe he does remember the good times even tho it was rough at the end. 

Doesn't mean we're getting back together but it's not out of the question. I had a goal of getting divorce papers printed off by the end of April, but this does change my perspective. 

I can't help but to feel like he said it just to see what I would say, to see how I would react. 

Only will I find out what the future holds as it comes closer. For now I'm gonna be satisfied with it and not hope for anything more.....I don't need the disappointment. 

What if? 

False hope

Moving forward, and yet I feel like I'm still stuck to chapter behind. 

I move in with my boyfriend, we get along for the most part. Other then his insecurities. 

But me and my ex are currently on good terms? We had a good blow up over text and now it's better and we had a good conversation about our daughter. 

This happens every time, every time we get along my mind always goes back to me and him getting back together and that we could work it out. 

Ugh I don't know why I do this to myself every time. I want to let go but my mind/heart won't let me. 

The pain is finally subsided for now. I'm sure it will come up as soon as court starts, or counseling starts! 

I've come to realize that I don't see me marrying my boyfriend, I don't see marriage at all in my future. I also can't see myself having children with him. Just due to the way he treats my daughter. He claims to treat her like his own, yet I know for a fact he doesn't and as soon as we would have a kid he would brush my daughter to the side. 

So where do I go from here. What do I do? What do I say? 

Better tomorrow for you

I sit here I can't enjoy any music other than dub step. If I do just one song can turn my thoughts to negitive. I'm filled with regret sawrow, loneliness, hurt, and pain. When does the pain go away officially! When I get into these moods sometimes all I want to do is drink. 

I want to feel okay and at peace with this. My mind keeps racing back to my daughter how I wanted her to have mom and dad in the same house, I didn't want her to grow up like me. I wanted a better life, and future for her. 

I go back to when we found out and when we thought about abortion and adoption. I feel as if like what we had chosen adoption she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce with her parents, she wouldn't have night terrors and cry out for me. It kills me every time she does. 

I have to print off divorce papers and I've neglected to cause I can't admit to my failure. And I kinda feel like there still a chance even when I know there's not. Truthfully I'm probably in denial. 

One more day without you.

Take it back

It seems that everything I do, I think of him in some certain light. Like I bought a car and thought well if he sees that I'm doing well enough he will want to get back together. 

I also then thought well if I lose all this weight get back into shape then maybe he will want me. 

But then I realized that is not what it is about.  

Yet for some reason all I want is him to call me one day and say baby come back. All I think is that he needs to come home and be with his family again, then my mind wonders to why hasn't anyone said anything to him from his family. They all should be against him getting a divorce and dating/fucking someone else while he is married wither or not separated. I think of all these things he's doing that I think he shouldn't be doing, yet I'm doing the same thing.... Sigh to get out of my head and escape and figure everything out. 

I just want to know what he is think I want him to be truthful for once and tell me exactly what he wants. What he wants from me, where we stand. 

I miss him I miss who he was when our daughter was first born looking at those pictures makes me sad to see how we both went to being so close to being so far that now we can't even have a conversation. The man I gave my life to, my everything I had to offer and now I can't even get more then a few sentences out of him. I just want to talk to him!!

Divorce papers have been ready to print for months, I have yet gotten the courage to print them off cause I know once I do, he will sign them with out any hesitation. I feel like once I've done that I will lose the last thing that keeps us some what together. I know I need to, but it hurts to even think it's going to be all over. 

I want everything to go back to the way it was before this mess happened, back to when we were in love, and so egger to change our new borns diaper! 

Conflicting interests.

Trying to figure out me, my feelings. Before I end up hurt this man. Truth be I know I'm not quiet over my ex, even tho I know I should be. Feelings for him, nonexistent. But I still am feeling the heart break every day. It's gotten a lot lighter, but still can bring me to tears. 

My love for him is that of a dead animal, they will always have a place in your heart but you can no longer feel the love you once had for them. I love him because he is apart of my daughter...and she is my everything. 

I was told the other day everything I'm feeling is normal, that eased my mind a bit. 

Wish I could enjoy my music again, without thoughts of him. No matter what kind of genera, if it's anything but dub step then my mind reverts back to him. 

I'm starting counseling with in the month, it will be good for me. Hopefully I'll be mindfully healthy again. I miss the real me. 

    I stumble, I fall, I'm still learning.