I'm not the only one!!

It's great to know that my husband misses me. He informed me tonight as we were exchanging our child. It eases my mind knowing that he misses me, that maybe he does remember the good times even tho it was rough at the end. 

Doesn't mean we're getting back together but it's not out of the question. I had a goal of getting divorce papers printed off by the end of April, but this does change my perspective. 

I can't help but to feel like he said it just to see what I would say, to see how I would react. 

Only will I find out what the future holds as it comes closer. For now I'm gonna be satisfied with it and not hope for anything more.....I don't need the disappointment. 

What if? 

False hope

Moving forward, and yet I feel like I'm still stuck to chapter behind. 

I move in with my boyfriend, we get along for the most part. Other then his insecurities. 

But me and my ex are currently on good terms? We had a good blow up over text and now it's better and we had a good conversation about our daughter. 

This happens every time, every time we get along my mind always goes back to me and him getting back together and that we could work it out. 

Ugh I don't know why I do this to myself every time. I want to let go but my mind/heart won't let me. 

The pain is finally subsided for now. I'm sure it will come up as soon as court starts, or counseling starts! 

I've come to realize that I don't see me marrying my boyfriend, I don't see marriage at all in my future. I also can't see myself having children with him. Just due to the way he treats my daughter. He claims to treat her like his own, yet I know for a fact he doesn't and as soon as we would have a kid he would brush my daughter to the side. 

So where do I go from here. What do I do? What do I say? 

Better tomorrow for you

I sit here I can't enjoy any music other than dub step. If I do just one song can turn my thoughts to negitive. I'm filled with regret sawrow, loneliness, hurt, and pain. When does the pain go away officially! When I get into these moods sometimes all I want to do is drink. 

I want to feel okay and at peace with this. My mind keeps racing back to my daughter how I wanted her to have mom and dad in the same house, I didn't want her to grow up like me. I wanted a better life, and future for her. 

I go back to when we found out and when we thought about abortion and adoption. I feel as if like what we had chosen adoption she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce with her parents, she wouldn't have night terrors and cry out for me. It kills me every time she does. 

I have to print off divorce papers and I've neglected to cause I can't admit to my failure. And I kinda feel like there still a chance even when I know there's not. Truthfully I'm probably in denial.