One more day without you.

Take it back

It seems that everything I do, I think of him in some certain light. Like I bought a car and thought well if he sees that I'm doing well enough he will want to get back together. 

I also then thought well if I lose all this weight get back into shape then maybe he will want me. 

But then I realized that is not what it is about.  

Yet for some reason all I want is him to call me one day and say baby come back. All I think is that he needs to come home and be with his family again, then my mind wonders to why hasn't anyone said anything to him from his family. They all should be against him getting a divorce and dating/fucking someone else while he is married wither or not separated. I think of all these things he's doing that I think he shouldn't be doing, yet I'm doing the same thing.... Sigh to get out of my head and escape and figure everything out. 

I just want to know what he is think I want him to be truthful for once and tell me exactly what he wants. What he wants from me, where we stand. 

I miss him I miss who he was when our daughter was first born looking at those pictures makes me sad to see how we both went to being so close to being so far that now we can't even have a conversation. The man I gave my life to, my everything I had to offer and now I can't even get more then a few sentences out of him. I just want to talk to him!!

Divorce papers have been ready to print for months, I have yet gotten the courage to print them off cause I know once I do, he will sign them with out any hesitation. I feel like once I've done that I will lose the last thing that keeps us some what together. I know I need to, but it hurts to even think it's going to be all over. 

I want everything to go back to the way it was before this mess happened, back to when we were in love, and so egger to change our new borns diaper! 

Conflicting interests.

Trying to figure out me, my feelings. Before I end up hurt this man. Truth be I know I'm not quiet over my ex, even tho I know I should be. Feelings for him, nonexistent. But I still am feeling the heart break every day. It's gotten a lot lighter, but still can bring me to tears. 

My love for him is that of a dead animal, they will always have a place in your heart but you can no longer feel the love you once had for them. I love him because he is apart of my daughter...and she is my everything. 

I was told the other day everything I'm feeling is normal, that eased my mind a bit. 

Wish I could enjoy my music again, without thoughts of him. No matter what kind of genera, if it's anything but dub step then my mind reverts back to him. 

I'm starting counseling with in the month, it will be good for me. Hopefully I'll be mindfully healthy again. I miss the real me. 

    I stumble, I fall, I'm still learning.