Younger years part one birth - 13 yrs old

My life starts out as being born to a teen mom(15 years old) .

My mom; says i was a rape baby. But if you know my mom then you would find this kinda hard to believe, excuse me for being insensitive. So my mom was obviously sexually active before this. Her and my dad was drinking the night I was conceived and she said "that he got her drunk then raped her." Then shortly after having me she found out she was pregnant again with another guys baby. She then had two kids with him and ended up giving up for adoption . (More of an expansion is coming up) 

Okay so back to me. I was Born in August of 1993 in Utah. Into a very dysfunctional family. I was born to a teen mom she got pregnant at 14 had me few months after she turned 15. Where a few months later she became pregnant with my brother J. and got married to Josh. Then shortly after having j. she had C.. She then left josh because he was abusing her and she cheated on him with less. After she left josh she was living in a car, in return she left my brother with josh. drooped me off to my dad and gave my sister up for adoption.
I was 2 when she left me to my dad. She rarely came around. I lived with my dad and step mom in my grandmas house with my dads siblings. I only remember a bit of this time i was there as i was so young. i recieved abuse from my unkcle shane and then the one thing that i hardly remember but has a had a huge role in my life. I was raped at 4 the only thing i remeber is a dark room with a small window and a little and a rocking chair. Thats it.
Then the state came in and took me, i remember hidding behind a speaker some how i knew then that they were bad and i didn't want to go with them.  Thank god for my grandparents i was only in the system for a few weeks. And so i moved in with my moms dad Da. and her step mom De.

De. and Da. at the time had 2 of there kids living at home and 3 of my cousins. I don't remember much of this time. 

       When I was 6 I went to live with my mom again. I remember going to a tweaker house, playing in there back yard and I got a dog from them...the dog scratched me and my mom threw it into the pool wall.. I remember from this time, my grandma T. ( heavy drinker) I would still her sugar cubes that she would suck on. 

      One of my cousins that lived with my grandma De.(Ha.) told me about my sister that has been adopted at the time I'm six I had no idea. I cried about that...

Then my mom would leave me with my youngest brother k.at the time to go to the hot pots up diamond fork canyon (Spanish fork) he was a infant.. I knew no wrong here. My grandma de. came over one time while she was gone, she told me was only going to the store to get bread... but my grandma de. showed up and I was in the bath and I believe my brother was in the crib... and my grandma de. was furious. 

     I also in this time stretch was with my uncle Ja. at one point, he had stolen these kids bikes and we went to 7 eleven and the cops picked us up. I got in trouble for this and I couldn't even figure out why. I stole a bubble gum tape from a store and my mom  took me to the police station and had them threaten me to take me to kids jail in hand cuffs. Traumatized me for a long time. (Did it stop me from stealing later.... I think not)

    In my appartment at this time my mom never cleaned and we had, no lie a mushroom growing behind our couch.. Oh and on top of that my mom would hide her pipe in the top seam of the couch. I some how knew what this was and what she had been smoking with it(pot). 

    One day and my mom swears it didn't happen like this, but I remember very vaguely. The cops bust open our door as we're sitting on the couch. And raid the house. That night I was being moved from my mom's house to my grandpa da. and grandma's de. house. And ka. the infant brother went to his dad. I guess my mom had to turn her self in thinking back on it now.

     So back to my grandparents da. de. house, where I don't remember alot, and I remember my grandma de. beating the crap out of me but she now acts like she never did anything horrible, yet I remember my grandpa da. getting after her one time for it cause I was out side crying or something. 

     My uncle je. that lives with them, I'm not the first one he prayed on that lived there with them, i found out later he went after as. one of the cousins living there and then later tried something on heather, i know when everything went down with ha. my grandma de. couched me on what to say, she asked me if je. had ever touched me and i lied, i didnt want to be taken from my house and family. Im almost positive I don't remember more then two times (other then when he would grab my boobs being a dick and all) where I know he was actually sexually assaulting me, but I had quite often times where I would wake up with no clothes on, not even underwear. And the first time I do remember anything is where I fell asleep in the front room and he kept rubbing his penis on me, and I had to act as if I was asleep. I kept moving and he wouldn't leave me alone. 

     Then the second time and was the last time was when I was 13 and I had this "boyfriend" who was much much older then me out of state I met him on a phone service thing. And my grandma caught me talking to him one time on the home phone. So I begged je. to say he was talking to a friend and I would do whatever he wanted..I thought he would have me run to get him fast food or clean for him.... but like a week later I was downstairs where he slept and I was sweeping and he asked me to fallow him he had something to ask me... then when we were away from the stairs he then said remember how you owe me a favor and he grabbed my vagina.. I ran up stairs s and told my grandma and she says, "what do you want me to do about it? You want me to kick him out? He's my son!" So a few days later I told my mom and she called dcfs and cps came to the house and had my grandparents take me to cjc where they interviewed me. I don't remember much other then walking down a hall and then getting home and my aunt slapping me saying "why would you do that?" Then the next day I had no idea like the 2nd to last week of school my grandma picked me up from school and took me to her sons house za.  (pervious relationship) and He. where I stayed there for a few weeks to finish out school I think. 

   Then one day I guess I was to much to handle and they took me to my aunt cindy house. (My dad's sister) I lived there for about a month or two and moved  to my mom's house where she was married to Roger and they lived with his mom. 

    For me this is where I was in a semi non dysfunctional house. At least for the first few years. By this point I had been depressed for a few years. And it was at this point where my anger came out and I became reckless.  I was happy to be with my mom, yet I was so pissed for what she had put me threw the years prior to this. 

    Everything I went threw could have been prevented if she had only been the mom she should have been. But I deep down I didn't want to be anywhere except with her. I yearned for her all my life. 

   This day I moved in with her was in July. I started 9th grade this year of 2007. 

    I begin all over something I've wanted for so long, a new beginning! But I was so depressed.... it held me back. I considered myself to be emo. I had begin cutting found it helped relieve the pain, this is the only way I knew how to stop the aching inside that I have felt for so long. 

   I made friends, bad friends. But that is the only ones who didn't look down at me, and judge me for being different. Everywhere i went I would see people that looked familiar, from Spanish fork. It wasn't them...

   I missed my grandma so much, it was discussing. I would write poems and cry so much for her. Even though she didn't protect me. I told her I know i had to of told her about all the people all the things. All the times I attempted to commit.  

    My mom pressed charges against my uncle. And I had to testify. My grandma said if I said anything, she wouldn't have anything to do with me, and I would never see her again. I didn't want to loose my grandma, the only stable family I knew. So I lied I had to, my mom didn't know why, I'm sure I told her. I was so torn. I was only 13. 

     

Feeling of stuck

I have felt stuck for months now. I feel like my relationship is stuck i feel like i cant move forward in life. And i have the same recurring thought  maybe it just wasn't to happen. maybe you ere suppose to get that job maybe you weren't suppose to get that promotion maybe your were meant to have a small life maybe your not suppose to have any more kids. maybe your suppose to struggle and never get ahead in life. But why? Why cant i get a new job, why cant i have a big family, why cant i get pregnant, why do i have to feel so alone.

I cant complain about my life, but i want something more. and i don't see me ever getting to a point i can move forward. I am in the exact same place as i was last year. Same bull shit with my relationship, same shitty apartment, same job, same weight, still no friends or family. It puts the thought in my head that, " Oh you know what maybe I'm suppose to die cause there is no other reason why i would be stuck"

I want to feel like I'm actually doing something and i feel like any thing i try and do or get excited about gets thrown in  my face that i will never be good enough, "will maybe its not for you..." What the fuck is for me. I've tried to go down two different career paths, one i couldn't pass the last part of the Kaplin for nursing, and then i also thought about doing real estate and my spouse turned that down. then i thought alright i could defiantly try plumbing and i applied for a apprenticeship and i basically got turned down with that. So what i have to do now is try and find away to make me a better candidate for the apprenticeship but the people i know that does plumbing wont help me gain any experience or knowledge. I cant find any community classes for plumbing.

I cant move out of my apartment cause i barely make enough to live there. I'm stuck at my job cause there is no advancement opportunists here cause you have to be a RN. to do anything more then i do now. and i fought with the company for a over a year to get a raise, yes i finally got one $.50 but i cant do anything with that...

i want more kids, either giving birth to them or I've always wanted to adopt. I got all setup to do foster care took all the classes back ground check home study. And the day they call to come out before a placement something tragic happened and now I'm having to move 60+ miles across the state to take care of my family.

i cant get out of debt cause i barely make enough to cover bills. And just to make sure things clear, i don't have TV i don't have Internet, nor do i have a streaming service. The most luxurious thing i have is a cell phone plan that costs way to much for nothing i pay $200 for my phone plan with 4 GB of data and no i don't have the most recent phone either.

I feel like i keep getting  beat down, i stand up and then I'm stomped into the ground again. I'm tired of fighting to barely make it. I want so much more for me for my child and for my family. Its not even material things i want to explore the world with my daughter i want to give her experiences and i want her to be well educated and learn music and she wants to learn distance and neither of those thing are going to happen. If I'm not moving forward my daughters life isn't as well and that's not fair to her.

No wonder

It's no wonder people commit suicide.

I feel so lost and hurt so much. And I know my husband isn't truly happy and he would be so much more happier if I hadn't ever came back into his life....like yea he wouldn't of had tot but he also wouldn't of know cause it would of never happened.
It's not his fault that he's not happy, and maybe he hasn't noticed it completely yet, but he will notice.

And for my baby she shouldn't have to be in fear of saying anything to her parents, especially her mom. But she is she has now been programed that way.

The only reason why I'm probably not is cause of her. Like yea she might be better off with out me but what if she's not. What if she needs me in her teen years... will she even be able to come to. She already afraid to tell me stuff.... she 3.

I'm tired so tired of fighting threw life I'm only 22 and struggling so hard. I fight myself constantly on everything. My mind is sick, and I ain't got the time or funds to even begain therapy....will it even help?

I feel so alone, so useless so broken and I hurt so bad. I'm just getting to the point where I don't see the meaning anymore. I'm tired of being miserable, I want to be positive I want to least have a few good friends... I want to feel like I'm not just wasting my life or anyone else's..........

Please don't take this for a call for help this is just the only place I get things out and not have someone report it or make a huge deal...

Hitting in

My mental illness is hitting me hard today, I guess it's been hitting pretty hard for days/weeks.

I've talked to everyone I can trust and I'm sure there sick of hearing me go on about the same damn thing. But this is all still effecting me.

I'm regretting my mothering skills with my little one and thinking I wasn't ready, it wasn't like I planned on let's get pregnant and never get to live out some of our adult hood pre-children.

Can it be my fault

If it wasn't me and my family my baby wouldn't have gone threw this. I really hope this was the only incident.

It happened to my mom it's happened to me, and now my baby girl. How and why does it keep happening. She only 3 and she was possibly 2 at that time.

If I wasn't her mom, if she never was apart my family she might have never gone threw this. What kind of sick people do these things. I would never even after I have been sexually abused.

How could my own brother do this to my daughter his niece. He had the same thing done to him and he knows the pain, so how could he do it to someone so defenseless. She adored him. And he probably thinks he got away with it.

My other question is did she act up, did she try and tell me by crying or telling me she didn't want to go to grandma's and because that was my only option for a baby sitter she had tl. And she had to keep living that nightmare over and over, everytime. And I had no idea...

Old beggings

So much to say so little strength. Well I'm at a loss for everything two serious events are happening in my life. Two events that I feel primarily my fault.

1st but not cause it's more important, but cause I can't see how this happened.
     So let's start less then a month ago. My friend b moved out, I was relieved. But after she moved out my husband had said that our marriage is on the rocks. I guess I'm just a nieve person or don't think stuff like this is going to happen.
      But today my husband made the final decision to leave for a week and see if we can work things out. The past week our relationship went down hill rapidly. I feel like it's sand threw my fingers. And I feel like he wants nothing to do with me.
    Well cause I'm to fucking blind to see, but our marriage is holding on by a thread. Not yarn, sewing thread.
   How did we get here again, he resents me. I'm not to fond of him right now either, but I can't give up. Especially when he is all I got. Our little family is all I have left, in this while fucking world in all of my family they are all I got. I guess my efforts weren't enough  for us or our family.  I don't know how I keep falling into this. But it hurts so bad!
    I ain't got no where to turn if he leaves and I'm left trying to provide for myself he'll take the child and I will lose it.
    

Always alone

    I've been battling with these feelings for a long time. I feel so alone, unwanted and just straight up replaceable. I feel like that in every aspect of my life that I'm not wanted around. I feel alone and my husband (who's very supportive) said you have us (him and our daughter) your family. But in reality that's all I really have.

      I don't really have a relationship with my parents, and I feel like they there only around due to the fact i do have a daughter. This sounds like poor me (if you don't like it don't read it! I'm venting cause I can't hold it in anymore.), but I feel like they like my husband and would rather be around him than me. Like I'm no important enough for anyone sept for maybe my husband and child. 

      How can I feel this way, when others have truly no one? I hate the feelings and I don't know what to do to make them go away. 

       I go back to when i was with my ex Boyfriend and for some reason that time period I didn't feel alone.. But I wasn't happy and I missed my husband every damn day. It seems people wanted to be around me more often and i was able to do more. Maybe then  i had the freedom cause I only dated and could up and do anything. God, I dunno.